All posts by Becki

Training Tuesday: H.O.P.E. 5K… are you with me?

Last spring I “ran” my very first 5K.  One of my friends had posted about running her first after training with the “Couch to 5K” training plan.  Although I was definitely way closer to the couch than I was to the 5K, I was inspired to give it a try.  I picked out a race to run and started training.

Excited about the challenge and also to hold myself accountable to actually doing it, I posted on Facebook what I was doing.  One of my friends messaged me that she would join me on the challenge and began training as well.  We sent encouraging notes to each other as we prepared.

I am so proud, and a little surprised, to say that I actually completed the challenge and ran the race.  My goal was to be able to do the whole race without walking, and I did it!  Unfortunately, my friend was unable to meet her goal.

During her training, her back started hurting and then a friend noticed that her eyes were yellow.  Visits to the doctor showed that her cancer had come back.  (A year before, she battled breast cancer and then was declared cancer free.)  This time the cancer was attacking her liver and her bones.  Last Friday, just 4 short months later, Dawn passed away.

Dawn and her husband walked through this last season of her life so inspirationally.  She always had a sparkle in her eye, and around her neck, and her wrist, and her fingers (she sold Premier Jewelry).  Never one to be selfish, she decided she wanted to do something to help other patients.  Dawn and a friend dreamed and then decided to hold a 5K this fall.  In her friend’s words:

We are planning a 5k for H.O.P.E. (Helping Offset PatientExpenses).  This will be a tribute to all of the HOPE that Dawn has shown us all.  It will benefit her family this year but Dawn’s HOPE is that in future years it can reach and touch others as well (as always she is thinking of others).  Dawn began training for her first 5k last spring and this has been a wonderful project that she has been a part of.  Her latest find were fabulous pink clappers with H.O.P.E. labels for the event..

It will be held on Saturday, November 5th at 9am.  It will be at the Rustic Park in Birdsboro, PA.

For more information and for the registration flyer you can contact me directly at

Let’s make this a fabulous event for our fabulous Dawn!  Even if you aren’t a runner…we would love to have you!

P.S.  The logo will be a sunrise…because the sun rises at Dawn. 

I just checked the calendar, and November 5th is 10 weeks away from this Saturday.  The Couch to 5K training program takes 9 weeks to be ready to run a 5K.  This summer, my training really slacked and so I feel like I’m starting from the beginning again.  So come Monday, my kids are going to school and I’m going back to training.  Will you join me?

You only need 3 days per week to train.  Here’s what you do for the first week:

Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.  (For more info

If I can do it, you can too!  So, are you in?

♥Becki, imperfect runner

P.S. if you aren’t local and you are looking for a new fitness goal, I encourage you to find a race local to you and join me in training!

Mothering Monday: Close to normal

My oldest son is so close to “normal” but also so far from it…  and last night I confessed to my husband that sometimes I wished he was either completely “normal” or lower functioning.

He has Asperger’s Syndrome, a high functioning form of Autism.  He can be social – he looks me in the eye, gives me hugs, tells me he loves me, he laughs, he cries, he is able to communicate the really deep thoughts that are going on in his brain, he’s able to be in a regular ed classroom (part of the day), he can get along with other kids (sometimes), he can run and play (although he’d rather be watching TV or playing video games).  For those things, I am very blessed and very thankful.  So why on earth would I wish sometimes that he was lower functioning?

Because he often annoys those around him with his non stop talking about things he’s passionate about that others either don’t care about or know about to the degree that he does.  Because his social awkwardness often comes across as selfish, non caring, rude, and thoughtless.  Because his meltdowns (though not as often as they used to be) are not expected from a 10-year-old.  Because he can obsess about things such as furniture placement or why on earth the school would replace the old playground that he liked better.  Because he’s sloppy and doesn’t respect other people’s property.

I know these don’t seem like reasons to want him to be lower functioning.  But here’s the thing, all of these things cause people, both adults and children alike, to not like him or not want to be around him.  And that breaks my heart.  But what breaks my heart more, is that he wants people to like him.  You see, in my mind, if he were lower functioning, it would be more obvious that he’s not “normal” and people (especially his peers) would be more forgiving of his actions.  As it is, he just comes across as weird or defiant or mean. And in all honesty, I think I’d feel less judged.  Whenever he behaves in a socially unacceptable way, I always feel like people are judging me as a mom and I sometimes feel embarrassed of him – and I hate that!   Also, many lower functioning Aspy (Asperger’s) kids don’t care or don’t realize what others feel about them… and somehow as a girl who used to be very aware of the parties she wasn’t invited to and the kids who didn’t want to be my friend or made fun of me, not realizing seems like a blessing.

I do embrace who he is… he is amazing!  He is loving and insightful and smart and affectionate.  He can be kind and thoughtful and caring and funny.  He is perfectly imperfect and he’s mine and I love him.  But being his mom is not always easy… there is always a balance of trying to figure out what is a discipline issue, what is a training issue, what he can learn, what he can’t, how to hold him accountable to things that make no sense to him and doing all this while trying to keep my emotions in check.

I share this today just to be real and honest.   Because sometimes putting words to feelings is therapeutic, and sometimes somebody else needs to know that there is someone who feels the same way they do.

And also perhaps so that some will be a little more forgiving of him and his actions…

♥Becki, imperfect mother of a special needs child


Friends & Family Friday: Surreys and bikes and walkers, oh my

Imagine standing on the Ocean City boardwalk and unexpectedly a surrey filled with 5 kids ages ranging from approximately 6-14 crashes into you and knocks you on the ground.  What do you do?  Also as you are falling, imagine that you knock over a 7-year-old on his bike.  What do you do?

Well, that was the eventful end to our morning boardwalk bike ride.  We were all standing with our bikes ready to exit at 12th street.  When a surrey crashed into a woman standing on the boardwalk who then crashed into my 7-year-old and knocked him over on her way down.  I’m sure she got hurt.  I know if it was me I’d be more than a little annoyed.  But I hope I wouldn’t respond the same way she did.

She got up and started yelling at the kids and her language was not rated G (remember the kids were approximately 6-14 years old, in addition to my 5, 7, and 10-year-olds who were also there).  If someone yelled at my kids that way, even if it was deserved, I’d be furious.

As we got back to our house, my husband, my mom and I were discussing it.  We agreed that the woman had a right to be angry.  Who wants to get run over by a bunch of kids on a surrey?  But, in fairness to the kids, she was standing, not walking, just standing in the surrey lane of the boardwalk.  Perhaps that wasn’t the best place to stand.  But still, the kids should be looking where they were going.  The kids apologized and they also apologized to my son and asked me multiple times if he was alright – which he was.  (The lady never once glanced at my son in concern for him.)

As we discussed it, I said how we all have a sense of entitlement on the boardwalk.  The bike riders feel like they should be able to ride in their lane without having to swerve in and out of pedestrians and slower bike riders.  The surrey riders feel like they should be able to ride in their lane.  And the pedestrians, well they feel like they should be able to be anywhere they want on the boardwalk and everyone should watch out for them.  (I know because I’ve been all of these.)

Isn’t that how it is in all of life.  We always think that what we are doing is more important and somehow more “right” than what everyone else is doing.  Perhaps we need to spend more time looking out for each other and cutting some slack when someone messes up… but that’s easy to say when I’m not the one having a surrey filled with laughing kids crashing into my back and sending me crashing to the ground…

♥Becki, imperfect boardwalk bike rider

P.S. I love Ocean City, NJ!  No summer would be complete without spending time here… morning bike rides on the boardwalk, stopping to stand in the long line for Brown’s doughnuts, afternoons on the beach (with hundreds of your “closest friends”), nights on the boardwalk enjoying the rides, the sights, the sounds, and the smells (Mack and Manco’s pizza, Jilly’s fries, funnel cakes, Laura’s chocolate covered strawberries, Shriver’s salt water taffy, Kohr’s frozen custard… I think next Training Tuesday’s post will have to be about getting back on the healthy eating wagon...).  But the best part about Ocean City, NJ: running into friends from various seasons of my life!

Thursday’s Thoughts on Home: Vacation packing

True confession: I get extremely irritable when packing and trying to get my family of 5 out of the door for a vacation.   Jeff (my husband) dreads the night before and morning of a vacation.  I’ve noticed that he tries to find the balance of staying out of my way and being helpful.  But I don’t know if I will ever allow a perfect balance, because nothing seems to be just right for me.

Once we are all in the van and we pull down the street, everything’s great.  I return to Dr. Jekyll, or is it Mr. Hyde?  Whatever it is, I become sane and nice again and expect Jeff and my boys to ignore the fact that I was just monster mom and monster wife.

What is it about packing that stresses me out so much?  I don’t know.  I usually can do it pretty quickly.   We have never gone anywhere that we couldn’t buy something that was forgotten and everywhere we go has laundry access.   So I don’t think it really is the packing that is the problem.

Sometimes it is a puzzle trying to make everything fit in the van, but we always do.  So that really isn’t the problem.

What is the problem?  I think it’s the expectation that in addition to getting everything packed and ready to go, I want to leave the house cleaner than normal.  I know that I don’t want to feel let down by my own house when I return from staying some place much nicer.  So I try to make our house as perfect as I can while packing and organizing and trying to get 5 people out of the house and into a van.

So I’m thinking I either need to let go of that expectation of coming home to a perfect house (or as perfect as my house can be) or I need to learn to delegate.   Well actually it is probably a combination of both, because if I’m delegating some of it to my 10, 7, and 5-year-olds, I definitely have to let go of the expectation of perfection.  We don’t have any trips planned for a while now, so I have plenty of time to come up with a new battle plan and attitude about getting us out of the door!  And hopefully next time, I won’t transform into Mr. Hyde, or is it Dr. Jekyll?  Whatever it is, it’s not fair to the rest of my family.

♥Becki, imperfect packer

P.S.  In light of not being too hard on myself… I’m reminded that we’ve had a history of chaotic events coinciding with vacation departures.  Last year as we are packing the van, I realized that I left my purse inside the unlocked van overnight and it, along with our vacation cash, my credit cards, my checkbook, a few gift cards, and some receipts that I needed to be reimbursed for were stolen.  Then earlier this summer as we were packing the van to leave for the beach, we noticed that our 7-year-old was limping and his ankle was swollen.  Apparently the fall he had the night before was worse than we thought.  So we had to delay our departure as Jeff took him to urgent care to have it looked at and get an x-ray.  Thankfully it was only a bad sprain, but still…

Wednesday’s Wisdom from the Word: More than we can handle

“God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.”  How often have you heard that?  It can be a comforting thought, but you know what?  I’ve read the Bible cover to cover, and I haven’t found that said anywhere in it.  (I could be wrong… and if I am, I would love to be corrected, because I’d like to believe it’s true.)  The verse that I think this is referring to is in 1 Corinthians 10:13: “And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”  So God said that we wouldn’t be tempted more than we can handle.  He didn’t say this world wouldn’t be filled with problems, hurts, illnesses, and hardships that are more than we can handle.

I have a friend who is also a mom of 3 boys.  She is currently going through something that I don’t know how I’d be able to handle, and to be honest I hope I don’t ever have to find out.  She has been bravely and inspirationally fighting the cancer battle.  Earlier this week, the doctors advised that it was time to stop the treatments, and she began hospice care.

How does a mom say goodbye to her school age boys?  How does a wife say goodbye to her husband?  How do those left behind thank God for the time they had with her without getting angry about the time they won’t?  That definitely is more than anyone can handle.   But then I look at how she and her husband are walking through this season and I am in awe.  If you ask how, they will point to Jesus.

I believe God allows us to have more that we can handle pressing in on us, because He doesn’t want us to handle it.  He wants us to turn to Him, to allow Him to carry us through.  And that is what my friend has done, still with a sparkle in her eye (and on her fingers, and around her neck, and her wrists… she sells jewelry and didn’t stop during her treatments because of the joy it brings her and those around her.)

God tells us He is “close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)  He also tells us “In this world we will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome.”  (John 16:33)  And that is what I hold on to when I have trouble… Jesus has overcome, even if we only experience that victory in eternity.  Because whatever we are facing in this world, no matter how hard, how crushing, how devastating, Jesus will carry us through if we let Him.

(I tried to attach one of Jeff’s songs to this post so that it would play as you were reading it, but I’m not at home and the internet connection here is so slow and keeps kicking me off, so it didn’t work.  So, I have to attach a link instead… I love this song.  It’s called Brokenhearted and Jeff wrote it based on Psalm 34.)

If you are going through something right now in which you are brokenhearted… know that I am praying for you as I am typing and that Jesus desires to carry you through it.  Please let him.

♥Becki, imperfect, brokenhearted woman, carried by perfect tenderhearted God




Mothering Monday: The Tattletale

“Mmmmooommmm!  My brother said I’m a tattletale!”  Whined imperfect son #3 as he came into my room.  My husband and I looked at each other while trying to hold back the laughter.  Apparently his brother was right.

When I “signed up” for the role of mother, I didn’t realize that a large part of the job description included being a referee.  Whether I’m refereeing whose turn it is to play with a toy, to go first at something, or who is right and who is wrong, it’s one of the things I like least about being a mom, but I know it is necessary – especially since I have 3 boys.  I try to teach them how to work things out on their own, but often the dispute warrants my intervention.

One of the things that I struggle with the most is how to handle when they tell on each other.  Right now I know their motivation for telling me is purely to get the sibling in trouble.  So I want to correct them for tattling.  But then, there’s a slight check in my spirit that wonders if I really want to do that.

Here’s my dilemma:  when they are older and the things that they might be doing wrong are more dangerous, I want them to tell me about it.  What if, despite all Jeff’s and my work as parents, and all of our prayers over them, one of them gets involved in drinking, drugs, stealing, skipping school, hurting others or something along those lines?  If their siblings know, I’d want them to tell me.  What if their friends started getting involved in these things?  I’d want them to tell me.  What if kids at school were hurting them, stealing from them, or teasing them?  I’d want them to tell me.  So do I really want to train them not to tell me when someone is doing something wrong or hurts them?

To me, the distinction of when it’s tattling and when it’s not is pretty straightforward – it’s based on motivation.  Like I said before, if the motivation is purely to get someone in trouble, than it’s tattling.  If you care about the person and your motivation is that something might get broken or someone might get hurt, than that is being responsible.   But since right now, my imperfect sons really only tell on each other to get the sibling in trouble, how do I train them to learn the difference.  I feel like I can explain it until I’m blue in the face, but they don’t understand.

So then should I just promote the tattling so that they’ll be used to it when a situation comes up that I, or the teacher, really needs to know about?  Any thoughts, suggestions, or advice is welcome… because I really don’t have the answers on this one!

♥Becki, imperfect referee



Friends & Family Friday: Tee shirts

I have a pet peeve – I get annoyed by derogatory tee shirts.  I’m not talking about band tee shirts with questionable content on them.  I’m not even talking about tee shirts with “bad words” on them.  (Although I’m not a fan of those either.)  I’m talking about the adorably cute tee shirts that puts down someone that you are supposed to love.  Warning, I think I might have just stepped on a soapbox…

How cute would a little boy be in that tee shirt? “For Sale Little Brother, by Big Brother”?  The wording of it looks adorable, and its probably a sentiment that is felt by all big brothers at some time.  (They also have “For Sale Little Sister” ones available.)  But then I wonder why a parent would buy that for their child?  Why do you want to encourage that kind of teasing?  Why do you want the big brother to think it’s Ok to not want the little brother?  And why do you want the little brother to think they are not wanted?  I know, I know… it’s cute, it’s funny, can’t I take a joke?  But at whose expense is the joke?  (For more on words that hurt, read this past post)

Then there’s also the tee shirts making fun of husbands.   “I hate my husband”  Sure, maybe a wife may feel that way some days.  But why would you, even jokingly, announce that across your chest.  I’m sure the husband doesn’t find that funny, and it’s not going to help him grow into a man that you desire him to be.  I’ve heard it said (from where I don’t remember) that in our lives, women desire to feel loved and men desire to feel respected.  Of course God knew that.  In His word, He commanded us, “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)  If we want our husbands to love us the way God asks them to, perhaps it would be helpful if we would respect them the way God asks us to… and I’m pretty sure that its not wearing a shirt like this, or bad mouthing them to our friends, or calling them idiots…

I just had the opportunity to go away with some girlfriends for a long weekend to a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) convention.  Knowing that women love to shop, especially when we don’t have our children with us, they had a huge resource fair with a ton of vendors.  My favorite was Union 28: Marriage Apparel.  “Union28 (formerly From*me Tees) was started by a married couple who knows what it is like to work through hard stuff and yet stay together and stay committed, choosing to forgive and be forgiven, only to grow in our love for each other MORE through it all.” (To read more, go to  They have created really cute clothes that positively affirm your spouse.  I couldn’t resist and bought the “My Husband Rocks” zip hoodie… how could he be mad at me for spending money on that???  And you know what, my husband does rock (both in the awesome sense and the musical sense!)  But on the days that perhaps I’m not feeling that he rocks (either because I’m extra moody or maybe he simply is not being perfect), I think it would be better to put this hoodie on to remind myself that he does rock, rather than put on the “I hate my husband” tee shirt which serves no purpose other than tearing him and our marriage down.   (For more on our thoughts about our husbands, read this post)  Ok, I’m stepping off my soapbox now…


Thursday’s Thoughts on Home: Plumbing

The other day I put a new pop-up drain, drain pipe, locknut, flange, ball rod, gasket, tailpiece, slip-nut on our bathroom sink… and it all works!  Since we are low in funds, I try to figure out how to fix things myself instead of paying someone to do it.  This can be a good thing and a bad thing…

You see, back before school let out for the summer, our bathroom sink’s drain was clogged up.  So I poured drano down it, but to no avail.  I then tried snaking the pipe, but was unsuccessful at getting the clog out.  I knew I needed to call a plumber, but I figured I’d try the industrial strength drain cleaner first – the one that comes with the bottle sealed in an extra plastic bag for protection.  I put on my plastic gloves that I use when dying my hair and put on sunglasses to protect my eyes and poured it down the drain.  After waiting the appropriate time, I went back for the next step.  That’s when I noticed my problem…  maybe I shouldn’t have used that strength cleaner on the type of pipes we have, but it ate away at the pipes and my drain basically came out.  Ugh!  So I stuck a dish pan in the cabinet under the sink and knew I should probably call the plumber.

But then, the dish pan wasn’t so bad, we’d wash our hands, brush our teeth and the water would go down the sink and drain into the pan.  Once a day, I’d dump the dirty water from the dish pan into the toilet.  It wasn’t ideal, but it worked.  So I never called the plumber, and that’s how we functioned for 3 months.  Then on Tuesday, I went into the bathroom and the floor was wet, apparently I forgot to empty the dish pan and it overflowed onto the floor.  It was definitely time to fix this for real.

But still being stubborn and not wanting to pay a plumber to do something I could do, I put all the pieces into a bag and went to our neighborhood True Value Hardware store.  The workers there were so nice.  They picked out exactly what I needed, showed me how to install it, and even offered for me to call over to the store if I was having problems and they would talk me through it.  I went home and you know what?  I did it!  The flange is attached to the sink, the drain pipe is attached to the flange and the ball rod, which is attached to the old clevis, which is attached to the lift rod that now works as well to pull up the newly installed pop-up plug.  (Can you tell I’m impressed with myself and am showing off a little bit with tossing these plumbing terms around?)  And apparently that industrial strength drain cleaner I used 3 months ago which messed up the drain to begin with cleared the clog, because the water is going down the drain.

Well, before I go hiring myself out or thinking God’s calling me to be a plumber in my next stage of life (see yesterday’s post), I’ll admit that it seems like something might be dripping a little, so I still have the dish pan in the bottom of the sink cabinet.  But I do need to call in a plumber to clear out the line coming from my washer because right now, the washer drains too fast for the pipes.  I tried snaking that line, but didn’t get it clear, and after my last experience, I don’t want to go pouring the cleaner down it.  When he comes, perhaps I’ll have him, double-check my bathroom sink handiwork too.

So, now for the spiritual connection… I was thinking about how long we lived with that imperfection of the sink.  The sink was working, we’d turn on the water and wash our hands or brush our teeth, and the water would drain out of the sink.  But instead of going down the pipes, it would go into a pan that we’d have to empty.  The sink was functioning, but not fully the way it was intended to.  And we were content to use it that way.  Then I think about all of my imperfections.  I still can function with them, but not the way I’m intended to.  So I wonder, like the sink, am I content to go through life with my imperfections, or do I want to ask the Master Plumber to help fix them?

“Not that I already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.” (Philippians 3:12)

♥Becki, imperfect plumber

Wednesday’s Wisdom from the Word: Seventy years

“…For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Have you heard this verse before?  Have you clung to it when you aren’t sure what the heck is going on in your life?  Do you believe it?

Right now, Jeff and I are kinda at a crossroads in life.  The church that Jeff was leading worship at for 10 years has decided that its season was finished and closed its doors.   The MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group that I have been pouring into as it’s Prayer and Care Coordinator and now as the Coordinator of the whole group is kicking me out in May.  (OK, not really kicking me out, but unless I have another child, I graduate from the group as I am no longer a mother of a preschooler.)

We wonder how God is asking us to serve him next.  We wonder if we should be moving into full-time ministry.  If not, we wonder what I am going to do job wise when my youngest heads off to school all day next year.  We wonder how much longer our family of five will fit in our 1000 sq. foot house with one bathroom.  I wonder what I’m going to make for dinner tomorrow… We have a lot of questions about our future.

And right now, those questions aren’t being answered.  I keep praying, but I’m not hearing anything other than, “Wait.” and “Rest in me.”  (Oh, and tomorrow night have chicken and broccoli for dinner.)  Apparently it’s not time for me to know about our future yet.  I have ideas of what’s next… but not confirmation.  I have my opinions of what I’d like to come next… but I’m not sure that Hawaii really needs a new pastor and/or worship leader?  (I just watched Soul Surfer, awesome movie, and the scene where they were in church on the beach – wow, I’d love that!)

Anyway, the verse from Jeremiah is one that’s often used for encouragement… and it is encouraging.  It tells about a time when the Israelites were taken away from their promised land of Jerusalem and into exile in Babylon.  God is telling the Israelites through the prophet Jeremiah not to worry… He’s not abandoning them, He’s not forgetting about them and the promise He made to them.  But here’s the thing about Jeremiah 29:11, it follows Jeremiah 29:10, “This is what the LORD says: ‘When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place.'”

Seventy years!!!!  The Israelites had to be in exile, in bondage for 70 years before God was going to rescue them.  In our immediate gratification society, we have no interest in waiting seventy minutes, let alone seventy days, let alone seventy months, let alone SEVENTY YEARS!  So although I understand that currently God is asking me to wait and rest in Him through prayer, worship, reading the Bible, and church, I am hoping that He is on a shorter time line to reveal what His plans for me are than He was with the Israelites!

♥Becki, imperfect and impatient daughter of God

Mothering Monday: The imperfect mother

“God, I know I’m messing up a lot with my kids.  I pray that my mistakes, failures and shortcomings will not be ones that my boys will need to tell a therapist about in 20 years…”  I used to be the best mother ever, I had all the answers, I knew how to handle every situation, I was incredibly patient, loving, kind, and fun… until my oldest son was about 2 months old.

At that point a friend gave me a book to read and I learned that apparently I was not “correctly teaching my son how to sleep”.  From that moment on, I became extremely aware of all my short comings.  For the next 10 years, I have battled feeling like a failure comparing myself to authors of books and magazine articles, comparing myself to friends, comparing myself to strangers in the grocery store and often feeling as if I don’t measure up.

Anytime my imperfect boys misbehaved, clung to my side, went running around wild, said something inappropriate, didn’t say something when an adult talked to them, hit someone, didn’t share, took a toy from someone else, got a bad grade, got a cavity, was mean to another child, watched TV instead of playing outside, had McDonald’s or pizza again for dinner, was reading a Pokemon comic book or “Captain Underpants” instead of “Treasure Island” or some other classic, wiped his nose with his sleeve instead of a tissue, picked his nose, picked his butt, had a dirty face, had hair sticking up all funky, had clothes on that didn’t match, had dirty clothes on, didn’t pick up his toys, cried through the grocery store, cried during church, cried at a birthday party, cried at school, cried when I left him in a child watch, walked through a screen door, broke a ceiling tile, got a bloody nose all over someone’s couch, ripped up someone’s drawing, knocked over someone’s block tower… I felt like a failure of a mom and was positive those offended or around in those situations judged me as such.

Anytime I yelled, spanked or disciplined out of anger instead of calmly and rationally, anytime I let them watch TV while I escaped into a book, anytime I said something that tore them down instead of building them up, anytime I fed them chicken nuggets instead of organic, whole grain fed, free range chicken (that I should bake using a fabulously healthy and delicious Martha Stewart recipe) and french fries instead of some steamed vegetables, anytime that I let them go to bed without brushing and flossing their teeth, anytime I realized my boys hadn’t bathed in at least 4 days, anytime I let them play video games instead of joining them in some educational play… I felt like a failure of a mom and was positive those looking in judged me as such.

So, as you can probably guess, pretty much every day, I can beat myself up and feel like a failure of a mom.  But here’s the thing I use to battle these thoughts… I love my children like crazy, but God loves them even more than I do.  His word says they are the apple of His eye, He delights in them, He knit them together, He works together all things for good for them, they are His masterpiece, His workmanship, He desires that they should not perish but have life, He loves them with an everlasting love, He is their heavenly Daddy.

I’m not just going to let anyone watch my kids.  Rather I am going to make sure they care about my kids, are able and capable and reliable.  So if the God of the Universe loves and cares for my boys more than I do, I’m pretty sure He didn’t mess up by making me their mom, He knew I was the right mother for them… not a perfect mother, but the perfect mother for them to grow into the men he created them to be.

Just even typing that, a reassuring peace comes over me, it’s like feeling God wrap his arms around me and whisper in my ears, “It’s OK, I’m here.”  It’s like hearing God standing on the sidelines as I’m running a race clapping His hands and cheering like crazy, “Run, keep going, you can do it, Go Becki!”  It’s like seeing God pick up the baggage I’m struggling with and He says, “Don’t worry, I got it.”  Such sweet peace…

Now, I know that doesn’t let me off the hook.  I am still accountable as their mom before God.  I still need to be repentant of my failures that are due to sin.  I still need to strive to be the best mom that God created me to be.  But, oh the peace, of knowing that God covers my imperfection with His perfection…

Do you feel like a failure?  Like you don’t measure up?  Do you wonder if God messed up letting you be a mom?  Do you wonder why God hasn’t “allowed” you to be a mom yet if ever?  As I type this, I am praying for you, asking God to cover you in that same reassuring peace He has just covered me in.  I am praying that you know God loves you like crazy, that you are the apple of His eye, that He delights in you, that He knit you together, that He works together all things for good for you, that you are His masterpiece, His workmanship, that He desires that you should not perish but have life, that He loves you with an everlasting love, that He is your heavenly Daddy.

♥Becki, imperfect mother