“You didn’t lose weight. Losing implies that you want to find it again. You got rid of it.” A friend recently said this to me when I told her how much weight I’ve “lost”. As someone who has lost weight several times only to gain it back again, that really stuck with me.
Last week (before it got cold again) I was rearranging my drawers and closets. I pulled out my winter clothes to put up into the attic. Many of them are too big already and some are close to being too big. As I started to put them in a bin to stow away, I thought about what my friend had said. If I truly got rid of that weight, then I wouldn’t need these clothes next year or ever. Could I be bold enough to just get rid of them? But what if???? There’s nothing worse than having to buy more clothes because your clothes are too small. So it’s nice to have a stash tucked away just in case. But should I really give myself a just in case?
I asked Jeff what he thought… should I get rid of them or keep them just in case. “Get rid of them,” He assured me. So now, I have them bagged up and in my van to take to Good Will. I have to admit, it’s hard to do. I really want to take them out of the van and hide them up in the attic. But I really, really don’t ever want to fit in them again. So I plan on taking them over today.
Last year, I “lost” weight only to find some of it back again. I’ve been working hard to get rid of it again, and now I’m 1 pound higher than my lowest weight last spring. Soon, I’ll be onto new weight to get rid of, and I’m so excited about that. I’m praying I don’t sabotage myself… in my mental picture of who I am, I am a fat girl who weighs within a 20 pound range. If I’m over it or at the high-end, I need to lose weight. If I’m at the low-end, I usually feel pretty good. Right now, I’m at the very low-end of it. When I hit this point last year, I think I unconsciously… or is it subconsciously… whatever, I stopped trying to “lose” weight and then started gaining. Could it be because I don’t picture myself as someone who weighs less than this?
Oh, Jesus, help me to see me as you see me. Help me to take care of this body. Help me to find delight in you and not in food. Help me to continue to get rid of this extra weight and to never “find” it again. Oh, and Jesus, I pray that I will not regret giving these clothes to Good Will!
P.S. I started typing this earlier and since then I dropped the clothes off!