I did it! I “ran” 3 miles for the first time since early July. As usual, I use the term run very loosely, because my time for 3 miles was 46 minutes, which is over a 15 minute mile, but I didn’t stop to walk to take any breaks and I made it. I’m pretty sure mentally the first mile was the toughest and I’m also pretty sure I could have run another mile when I was done, so I know I can push myself harder… but really with the way I’ve been slacking, it feels fabulous to know I can still “run” 3 miles.
On the flip side, according to the scale this morning, I’m up .4 pounds from last Tuesday. Really, that’s no surprise because I certainly wasn’t eating like I wanted to lose weight. As I was running today, I sat down on my mental therapist couch and was trying to figure out what’s going on that I seem stuck. Last Spring, I broke 2 weight barriers, the second one was one that I hadn’t broken for 7 years. Seven years ago when I finally got down to that weight, which was a pre-pregnancy weight from 3 years prior, I got pregnant again. And once again, my weight rose. So I was pretty excited to hit that mark 7 years later, but then I stopped losing. I stagnated… not because it is a healthy weight for me. It was more like mentally I felt like that was a threshold I am unable to pass. It is almost as if I don’t think that I am someone who weighs less than that. Am I scared? I’m not sure. But I know when I got there, I stopped and then slowly started gaining weight again.
So now, I’m 6 pounds above that mark. And I ask myself, is this who I see myself as? Someone destined to be overweight for her whole life? Or am I a skinny girl in a fat girl’s body – needing to step out of it? I think in the quietness of my heart, I see myself as someone destined to be overweight for her whole life. But… I know that’s not how God sees me. His word tells me over and over otherwise. But am I willing to trust Him on that? Am I willing to sacrifice and exercise and deny myself the indulgence of food in exchange for being who He has created me to be? I know there are probably some of you who want to scream at me, “Just do it… join Weight Watchers and stick to it!” Well to be honest, I want to scream that to myself also… but I know there is a strong heart issue going on that I need to work out with God. Because when this weight comes off, I want it to be for good.
So forgive my whining, I’m getting off the mental therapist couch and for now going to celebrate that I did my run. And truly I pray that in the next month, I’ll be rejoicing on a Tuesday post that I’m below that threshold again. Thanks for reading and giving me a forum to voice my frustrations and to hold myself accountable. Hope you are doing better than me on your own health journey!